If there is one thing good about not being a Hollywood star, it is that Ricky Gervais won’t get to joke about you at the Golden Globes. The guy is hilarious, but let’s face it, he is not gentle and he is definitely not politically correct. And we love him for it. But I am not sure I’d want to be at the receiving end of his jokes.

Here’re my favorite Ricky Gervais lines from the 68th Golden Globes – the words may not be exact but the punch lines are intact:

on Charlie Sheen:

–          It’s gonna be a night of partying and heavy drinking, or as Charlie Sheen calls it: “breakfast”. Wow, so… Let’s get this straight. What he did was he picked up a “porn star”, paid it to have dinner with him, introduced her to his ex-wife: “how do you do?” went to a hotel, got drunk, got naked, trashed the place while she was locked in the cupboard… that was a Monday! What did he do on New Year’s Eve?

on “The Walking Dead” Hugh Hefner and his 24-year-old bride-to-be:

–           Talking of the “Walking Dead”, congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who’s getting married at the age of 84 to 24-year-old beauty Crystal Harris. When she was asked why she was marrying him she said: “‘Cause he lied about his age. He told me he was 94.

on Robert Downey Jr.:

–           I love this next presenter. He’s so cool. He’s the star of “Iron Man”, “Two Girls and a Guy”, “Wonder Boys”… Sorry, are these porn films? “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”, “Bowfinger”, really? Here… “Up the Academy”. Come on… He was in all those films, but many of you in this room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail. Please welcome Robert Downey Jr.

on Jim Carrey, Ewan McGregor and “Scientology”

–          Also not nominated “I love you Philip Morris”. Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor: two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay, so the complete opposite of some famous scientologist thing. Um, probably. My lawyers helped me to get away with that joke; they’re not here.

on Tom Hanks and Tim Allen:

–          What can I say about our next two presenters? The first is an actor, producer, writer and director whose movies have grossed over three and a half billion dollars at the box office. He’s won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for his powerful and varied performances starring in such films as “Philadelphia”, “Forrest Gump”, “Cast Away”, “Apollo 13” and “Saving Private Ryan”. The other is… Tim Allen.

on The Tourist and the nominations of Angelina Jolie & Johnny Depp … AND Cher

–          It was a big year for 3D movies: “Toy Story”, “Despicable Me”, “Tron”. Seems like everything this year was three dimensional… except the characters in “The Tourist”. Uh, I feel bad about that joke. I… no… I’ll tell you what… I’m jumping on the bandwagon ’cause I haven’t even seen “The Tourist”. Who has? But, no… It must be good ’cause it’s nominated tonight. So shut up, ok? And I’d like to squash the ridiculous rumor going around that the only reason “The Tourist” was nominated was so that the Hollywood Foreign Press could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That is rubbish, that is not the only reason, they also accepted bribes… No. All that happened was some of them were taken to see Cher in concert, how the hell is that a bribe? Really? “You wanna go to see Cher?” “No.” “Why not?” “‘Cause it’s not 1975.

on  Robert Pattinson and Olivia Wilde

–          The next presenters are very young, thin and beautiful. Which is just as well because they are presenting a category no one in America cares about: Best Foreign Language Film!

on Sex and The City 2

–          There were a lot of big films that didn’t get nominated this year, nothing for “Sex and the City 2”. I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster. Um, great job! Girls, we know how old you are: I saw one of you in an episode of “Bonanza”.

on Scarlett Johansson & Mel Gibson

Our first presenter is beautiful, talented and Jewish, apparently. Mel Gibson told me that. He’s obsessed. Please welcome Scarlett Johansson.

on Lost:

–          One of the biggest events on TV this year was the finale of “Lost”. One of my favorites. And all the questions were answered… yeah. I have to say, though, It was a complicated finale. I’m not sure I totally understood it all, but from what I can work out, I’m pretty sure the fat one ate them all.

–          **

• Also one of my favorites, he presented Bruce Willis as Ashton Kutcher’s dad!