I don’t generally care about movie ratings since there is a chance I’ll find the movie either underrated or overrated, but sometimes they can be spot on. But when I saw the 5.0 IMDB rating, I hoped I would disagree – it wasn’t good news, as I was already bored by a couple of Halle Berry thrillers before. Unfortunately, my best rating would be 5 – and this is from someone who likes the cast and the genre. I wasn’t expecting genius twists or very smart characters. But getting bored or asking “Seriously?” every couple of minutes is not a good sign. If only characters and events were tied better and the story was told a little faster…

But watching a non-thrilling thriller can return as an entertaining post. Inspired by movie fans who love to start “(insert number of choice) lessons learned from….” threads on boards, below is what you can take home from this movie. Of course some are obvious, but come on and join me. It’s fun.

Lessons learned (aka Common sense) from the film The Rich Man’s Wife

Spoilers ahead. You’ve been warned.

1)      Clive Owen is a lot sexier with a little more age and weight. Try comparing his The Rich Man’s Wife (1996) version to Beyond Borders/Shoot ‘em Up/The International…Well, pretty much any Clive Owen movie after

2)      Don’t date a younger, thinner Clive Owen character. Chances are he is up to no good. 5 years before this film, one of his characters was dating his own sister!

3)      Peter Greene (The Mask villain) can switch between weird-looking slime ball to charming, uniquely good-looking guy in a matter of seconds.

4)      Halle Berry’s dramas and action films are often very enjoyable, as opposed to her thrillers.

5)      It is not a good idea to not to foreshadow your twists at all.

6)      Calling the cops suckers at the end of the movie is not a good idea, as there is no way they would have seen that one coming and since this is also the case for the audience (see item 5). Just don’t call your audience suckers. Period.

7)      It’s not very cool if you don’t have one single likable character in the movie.

8)      It is not very convincing (since you want to convince the woman to ally with you) if you switch from Prince Charming to smooth player to good listener to murder plotter to rapist in lightning speed. This would be Peter Greene’s character.

9)      Gold-digging, young, pretty women should not sign pre-nuptial agreements. Instead they should marry gullible rich men who trust them enough not to make them sign those. It’s easier than planning murders, getting rid of the other villains and all that. And what would they have done if the cops had half the obsession Holmes (or House) had for cases?

10)   It will be easier to convince a rich guy that you are not a gold-digger if you don’t say yes to their proposal after 2 minutes.

11)   It might be better if you marry a woman with a little money of her own if you are planning to make her sign pre-nuptials. She might be less likely to try to get rid of you.

12)   Or better yet, don’t get married- and/or make your will so that in the matter of your death, they don’t get a single dime –whether it is a suicide/murder/or call of nature and make it clear to them.

13)   Or be a less obnoxious husband, and make it harder for her to want to get rid of you.

14)   If you are getting married, and signing pre-nuptials, do a better background check on the woman.

15)   It isn’t a great idea to hire a cabin in the woods if you are a pretty woman with no special fighting skills.

16)   Very few normal people hang out near in-the-woods-cabins in the middle of nowhere.

17)   Women hardly ever want to stay alone in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. If they do, they can either fight like Sydney Bristow, haven’t seen any horror movies or they are up to no good.

These were all I could think of so far. Feel free to add yours in the comments.

What about the plot?

The plot you ask? Oh well: Halle Berry’s Josie is married to the richer, older Tony (Christopher McDonald) and the marriage is going down the drain. She has a lover, he has a lover. He’s abusing alcohol and she has signed a pre-nup. Claiming that she wants her marriage work, she dumps the lover (Clive Owen) and convinces her husband to take a trip together- where his regular business relationships and fondness of alcohol prevent them from making any progress. So he leaves, and she stays.  Then her car breaks down one night and she is “saved“ by a helpful stranger, who drives her home and gets her car fixed-all for dinner. And as she tells her story, he gets her to say that she wished he were dead. Then he offers to do the job for her. And then….well, let’s say that no one is exactly innocent in the movie, adulterer or not.

Made in 1996, written/directed by Amy Holden Jones.